| My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her. . .or something like that |
| Keep honking while I reload |
| If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy |
| Bad Cop! No Donut! |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine |
| It's lonely at the top, but you eat better! |
| I love cats; they taste just like chicken |
| I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! |
| Sorry, I don't date outside my species |
| Out of my mind. Back in five minutes |
| Cover me. I'm changing lanes |
| As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools |
| Happiness is a belt-fed weapon |
| Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot |
| Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep |
| I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
| Tow-ers will be violated |
| Montana - At least our cows are sane! |
| The gene pool could use a little chlorine |
| I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian |
| Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! |
| It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you |
| When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS |
| Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips |
| Friends don't let Friends drive Naked |
| Wink, I'll do the rest! |
| I took an IQ test and the results were negative |
| When there's a will, I want to be in it! |
| Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? |
| If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? |
| Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans! |
| Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! |
| My karma ran over my dogma |
| Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! |
| Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! |
| Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear |
| Give me ambiguity or give me something else |
| We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse |
| Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest |
| Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else |
| Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math |
| Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies |
| Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes |
| Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy |
| Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion |
| We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated |
| Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home |
| There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't |
| Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? |
| Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
| Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock |
| 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 |
| I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles |
| I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die! |
| If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast |
| Jesus is coming, everyone look busy |
| There's too much blood in my alcohol system |
| I used to have a handle on life, but it broke |
| Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive |
| WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship |
| You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me |
| BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore |
| So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! |
| I need someone really bad... are you really bad? |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder |
| Earth is the insane asylum for the universe |
| To all you virgins, thanks for nothing |
| I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing |
| The more you complain, the longer God lets you live |
| My kid had sex with your honor student |
| Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail |
| If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished |
| Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply |
| Hang up and drive |
| Lord save me from your followers |
| Guns don't kill people, postal workers do |
| Born again pagan |
| God must love stupid people, he made so many |
| I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen |
| Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips |
| Friends don't let Friends drive Naked |
| Wink, I'll do the rest! |
| I took an IQ test and the results were negative |
| Ax me about Ebonics. |
| Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel. |
| Boldly going nowhere. |
| CATS: The other white meat! |
| CAUTION - Driver legally blonde! |
| Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals |
| Don't be sexist - broads hate that. |
| Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway! |
| Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends. |
| He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged! |
| Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window |
| How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost. |
| If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. |
| If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now. |
| I'm an imbecile and I vote! |
| WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. |
| What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
| CAUTION: I drive just like you! |
| If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut |
| Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" |
| Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself |
| It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now |
| "Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point" |
| Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That |
| Saw It. . . Wanted It. . . Had A Fit. . . Got It! |
| Constipated people don't give a crap |
| If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people |
| Who lit the fuse on your tampon? |
| My kid got your honor roll student pregnant |
| To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing |
| If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling |
| If you can read this, I've lost my trailer |
| You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me |
| The Earth Is Full - Go Home |
| I Have The Body Of A God. . . . .Buddha |
| This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me |
| So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time |
| Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult |
| If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? |
| The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name |
| I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere |
| If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong! |
| Fight Crime: Shoot Back! |
| Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one |
| Boldly going nowhere |
| Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window |
| Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them |
| WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship |
| Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park |
| Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive |