George Carlin's HeadLines


"Twenty-One Killed In Twenty-One Gun Salute"

"Off-Duty Policeman Shot By On-Duty Criminal"

"Man With A Power Saw Hit By Falling Tree"

"Police fired over the heads of rioters today. However, they killed 200 
people living on the second floor."

"A physician in Florida claims that he is treating a 107 year old woman 
who is pregnant.  He claims that because of her advanced age, she will 
have a grown-up."

"A man has barricaded himself inside his house.  However, he is not armed 
and no one is paying any attention to him."

"A Milwaukee man has been arrested for attempting to use Food Stamps to 
mail a watermelon."

"The Food And Drug Admiminstration has announced that saliva causes 
stomach cancer.  However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a 
long period of time."

"Here are the results of the latest Gallup Poll.  It seems that 48% of 
the people were not home, 32% of the people made believe they weren't 
home, and 20% of the people have no front door."

"Seventy-one people suffered numerous gunshot wounds in the feet today as 
two armed midgits ran amuck in a downtown bar.  Patrons of the tavern 
claim that the two entered riding horsey-back, and the trouble started 
when the one on the bottom began to get drunk.  In addition to the foot 
wounds, extensive damage to the base boards and electrical outlets was 
also reported."

"Out at the lake at City Park today, police arrested a one-armed man who 
was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle."

"A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner.  No one was killed, 
however, twenty people were overcome by fur.  Police also estimate that 
somewhere between 100 and 150 fleas also lost their lives in the blast."

"A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a 
cure for apathy.  However, they claim no one has shown the slightest bit 
of interest in it."