Drunk n Sex Humor #3
Irishman
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
What Am I?
What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
Disappointment
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Advice
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights
off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up
the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my
wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always
sound asleep."
Plane Crash
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies… The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her.