Drunk-n-Sex #5
| Orange Penis |
Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos." |
| Gay Rooster | An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster - I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little - but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month. ' |
| Elevator |
As the doors shut and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud, "I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!" Sadie and Morris didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, "You know darling, I really didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," said Sadie smiling, "I did." |
| Tried of Wife |
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home. I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face, I said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The fucking funeral director," she said. |
| A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it. One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on. The wife complained, “I don't know what's wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you've got a crappy old car?” The man replied, “Don't make such a big deal about it! I don't complain when you buy new bras, do I?” |
| Doc," said the husband, "I got nine kids and the wife's expecting again. How do I stop the stork?" The doctor replied, "Shoot it in the air!" |
| Wacked-Out Restaurant |
| A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED! |
| Cold Winter |
| During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed." Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season. A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" |
Child's Prayer |
| One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here - we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" |
How old do I look? |
| Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" |
| Father vs Son |
| Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States." |
Whale Lesson |
| A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. “Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.” “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied. “That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.” “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl. The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.” |
| Three Knots |
| An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed. He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?" The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." What's that?" he asks. She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!" |
Vodkas |
| A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back... "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." |