Drunk-n-Sex #5
| Doctor's Office |
| A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. |
Young Man |
| There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great writer." When asked to define "great," this is what he said: "I want to write material that the whole world will read, material that people will react to on a truly emotional level, material that will make them scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages... |
Cocktail Party |
| Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!" |
| Truths About Marriage |
| 1. Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. 2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." 3. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. 4. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" and the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it." 5. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. 6. Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries, son." 7. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." 8. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. 9. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. When a TO-BE married man looks happy we ALL know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - We wonder WHY. 10. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. 11. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." and the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." 12. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 13. A man inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or wife is new. 15. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. |
| Father vs Son |
| Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States." |
How old do I look? |
| Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" |
| Child's Prayer |
| One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here - we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" |
| Cold Winter |
| During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed." Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season. A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" |