| *Message for the Boss* |
| A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and, when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek. "Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies. "Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair. "Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation. "Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips. "Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans. "I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on. "What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth. "Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!" |
| *CIA Test* |
| A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home." Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!" |
| *Getting Down Under* |
| An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" |
| *Horsie Ride* |
| Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" |
| *Bone Loss* |
| The blonde decides to celebrate her 40th birthday with a complete makeover. She goes to the best plastic surgeon in town and gets her boobs lifted, her tummy tucked, butt implants, botox, collagen, the works. After ten weeks and $25,000 she is a new woman and quite pleased with the results. Then she goes to her personal physician for her annual physical. The doctor gives her a complete exam, eying all the "body work" that has been done while checking out her overall health. When the exam and all the tests are completed the medic calls her in for a consultation. "Overall, your health is very good," begins the doctor, "But I do want to talk with you about a problem that often affects women your age." "Oh really," says the blonde. "What problem would that be?" "It's osteoporosis." The blonde gets a puzzled look on her face and says, "Osteo--what?" "It's more commonly known as "bone loss", explains the doctor. "Many women begin to experience it when they are in their 40s." The blonde giggles and blushes and says, "Oh really doctor, you've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and face, I'm getting a new bone five nights a week!" |
| *Infrequently Relations* |
| An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?" |
| *Who am I* |
| One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed at least four or five times." |