Drunk-n-Sex #8
| * Bar Pickup |
| While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there." |
| * Helping A Bum |
| A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar
bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'" |
| * A Big Surprise |
| Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have
him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept
saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!" |
| * French Fries |
| There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!" |
| * I Heard You! |
| This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. "OK", thought the bloke, "I'll give it a go". So he bought one and took it home. That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" But there was no reply. He tried again, "Hey, millipede, wanna come to the pub with me?" Again, no response. So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop. So he took the lid off the box and shouted, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?" "For f**k's sake, I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on." |
| * Party Missing |
| What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation. |
| * Last Request |
| The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But
when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It
went on like this all day. Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..." |
| * Three Bad-Ass Mice |
| Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one exclaims, "I am one bad-ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of the traps and
move the bar up and down while I eat." The second one chimes in with, "Oh yeah. Well, I'm a bad-ass mouse too. In fact, I'm such a bad-ass mouse, that in my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed." The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell out, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?" The third one replies, "Going home to have my way with the cat." |
| * Pain Relief |
| A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and.." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes." Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home." |