Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin' all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt."

"About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared --her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!"

"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch."

"I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

A fellow walked into his house one day to find his wife in bed with another man.

The husband calmly picks up his shotgun and leads the guy, naked, out to his garage. He put's the man's penis into a vise, tightens it down, and removes the handle.

As if the guy wasn't in enough pain now, the husband retrieves a hack saw with a dull blade.

He fellow says, "You're NOT going to cut it off now!?"

The husband hands the hacksaw to the guy and says, "No, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

There was this guy who gave his wife a parrot named Chest short for Chester for her birthday. She said,"How cute, this must have cost a fortune, you didn't have to do this for me."

She asked,"Can it talk?" Her husband lit a lighter under the parrot's left foot. It sang,"Jingle bells, jingle bells."

So he put it under it's right foot. It started to sing,"Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh."

So he put it under his crotch. It started to sing,"Chester's nuts roasting over an open fire.

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?"

"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.

The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.

"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

A young priest had his first parish in New York City. One day he decided to walk through Times Square on his way to church. About halfway there a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey Fadder, how's about a blow job, only 5 bucks!"

Well the reverend being totally innocent had no idea what she was talking about so he smiled and declined.

He pondered about what a "blow job" might be until he reached his church. Seeing the Mother Superior he decided he would ask her.

When asked what a blow job was the, Mother Superior replied, "5 bucks same as downtown!"

A couple found themselves feeling a little "frisky" so they sent the children outside to play, went into the bedroom, and locked the door. After a while, the older boy grew tired of playing and came into the house. He noticed odd noises coming from his parents' bedroom and went over and spied through the keyhole. He ran out to get his sister, brought her inside and told her to look. As she looked through the slot in the door, she said,

"Oh, sure, this from the woman who tells me not to suck my thumb!"

These two guys were walking down the street when they saw a dog with his hind leg high in the air, licking away at his fat red dick.

"Damn, I wish I could do that!" Exclaimed the First guy.

"You probably could," Said the second with A Grin,

"But you better pet him a little first!"

There's this guy traveling and he's really tired and he sees this farm, so he goes to the house and asks the farmer for a place to stay, the farmer replies "well there's the barn..."

So he take's him to the barn, He sez, "Sleep on that haystack but DON'T stick yer dick in that hole over there!"

The guy looks over to where the farmer points and sees a box with a hole in it.

So after the farmer leaves, he gets to thinking "ya know, he probably has like his daughter or wife down there, and they'll be all suckin' my dick and stuff!" So he goes and sticks his dick in the hole.....

In the morning the farmer comes in the barn and sees the guy laying on the ground moaning.

"What's down there??" the guy asks weakly... That's the milkin' machine, it don't stop till it gets 20 gallons...

He looks thoughtfully at his glass of milk... "You didn't stick your dick in there... did ja boy???"

 

A little while ago, I was talking with a friend who'd just had a birthday. I have one coming up, too, so we got to talking about it, and it occurred to me that there seems to be a major correlation between birthdays and sex.

Consider:
At 13, you get puberty, so you can physically have sex... at 16, you get your driver's license, so you can get around more and have more sex.... at 18, you're legally an adult, so parents can't really bitch about you having sex... at 21, you can go to bars, meet more women, and have more sex... at 25, your auto insurance costs go down, so you can afford more dates and therefore have more sex... at 30, women hit their sexual peak, so you know the sex is going to be intense... at forty, the kids are going out more and having their own sex, so you can have your sex undisturbed... at 50, the kids have either moved out or are in college most of the year, so you can have sex pretty much whenever you want, wherever you want, and probably for as long as you want... after that, I think the only major age is 65, when you retire, start collecting social security, and are probably too old to have any more sex....

Two rubbers sat outside a known gay bar. Solemnly, one rubber said to the other, "Well, are you ready to go in and get shit-faced?"

A buddy of mine recently visited Mexico. While he was there he decided to try some authentic Mexican cuisine. So he went to a traditional looking restaurant and ordered the house special.

When the waiter arrived with his meal, he inspected it and thought that it looked like two giant meatballs covered in gravy. He asked the waiter what the dish was called.

The waiter told him that they were cajones.

When my friend asked what cajones were; the waiter explained that they were the testicles from the bull that had lost that days bullfight.

Naturally, my buddy tried to return his order, but the waiter explained that once you order you must pay regardless of whether you eat them or not.

Being the cheapskate that he is, he decided since he is paying, he was going to at least try them.

Upon tasting the cajones, he found that he absolutely loved the dish. In fact, he loved them so much that he returned the next day and ordered the same dish.

This time when the dish arrived, the "meatballs" were at least five times smaller than the ones he had the day before.

He asked the waiter why were his cajones so much smaller this time.

The waiter replied, "well you see senior, the bull does not lose every time".