Drunk n Sex Humor #13

"Equal Opportunities"

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

-->: Honeymoon

Women, You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ... -Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket. -Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face. -PMS lasts all month. -Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display. -"Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!" -He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work. -Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony. -You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up. -Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable. -Two weeks no orgasm. -Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it. -When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back. -You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator. -The way he breathes is getting on your nerves. -You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

-->: Happy Couple

On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said, "I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile." The groom whispered, "I just got the best blow job I've ever had." As the bride walked down the isle she also grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her, "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile." To which the bride replied, "I've just given my last blow job."

-->: One Day While Scaffolding

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replied Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!" "What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "Why?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"