Drunk n Sex Humor #15
| A Town Without Women |
| In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel". |
| Three Knots |
| An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed. He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?" The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." What's that?" he asks. She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!" |
| Nudist Club |
| A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've already had two warnings!" |
| Big Penis |
| A man and his wife are going up the interstate in traffic, fighting and its heated too.
The enraged lady gets so mad she reaches over and cuts the guys penis off and throws it out the window.
Right behind them is a man and his young daughter, as the lady in the other car throws the severed penis out the window, it lands on the windshield of the man and the daughters car. The Father was shocked so see such a terrible site, as the penis flew off the windshield, hoping his daughter didn't see it. She did and said Daddy, Daddy!!! What was that? The man trying to hide the facts at hand and fumbling for answers could only reply by saying it was a bug. The daughter then replied, God he sure had a big Dick. |
| Elderly Sex |
| An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen." |
| An Old Geezer |
| An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it. The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass properly!" |
| Orange Penis |
| Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos." |
| Old Drunk |
| A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just one more!!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men. All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..." |
| Bar Pickup |
| While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there." |
| Skiing Dream |
| There were three men walking along the side of the road in the middle of nowhere when it started raining. They saw a shack about 50 ft. away and thought, "Hey let's go there."
When they reached the shack, there was only one bed, so one guy said, "Hey we're mature, we can all sleep in one bed, right?"
So they agree, and fall asleep in the bed together. The next morning,one guy asked, "Did anyone have any interesting dreams last night?"
So the guy on the right says. "I dreamed I was fucking this hot chick." and the guy on the left says, "Hey,me too!" and the guy in the middle says, "I dreamed I was skiing." (Like when you're skiing, you hold two poles) |
| Ninety Year Old Man |
| A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!" |
| Happy Couple |
| On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said, "I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile."
The groom whispered, "I just got the best blow job I've ever had." Her bridesmaid said to her, "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile." To which the bride replied, "I've just given my last blow job." |
| Ja Make Her |
| A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis.
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day". |
| We're Lesbians |
| This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink." The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink." The women both reply, "It won't do you any good." The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians." The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?" The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussy's." The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians." |